One thing that I do a lot, aside from the everyday things that I do,
is to be on the lookout for things that inspire.
I spend a lot of time reading books, watching movies, or surfing on-line.
Sometimes the search just goes on and on.
I can't bring myself to stop.
I can't stop because there is nothing in the pages/movies/stories that move me.
I want to feel inspired, I want to feel the earth shake under my feet,
I want to feel different about this world than I had a minute ago.
So many times it just doesn't happen.
I look for pictures in magazines, in newspapers.
I search for design everywhere.
Many days I come up empty handed.
I go to bed disappointed.
Flipping the pages of the book that sits on my nightstand,
for that one last hope before I call it a day.
I want to feel the world around me.
To know that someone, or something is doing an amazing, a remarkable thing.
Something that will take my breath away.
Something that inspires, something that is so surreal that nothing needs to be said.
The wonder that cannot be expressed in words.
Something that is beyond language that can only be felt, experienced, jolted, shaken, thrown out of my seat.
Something that is so unimaginable that leave me with nothing but tears.
Those moments make me feel alive.
A sense of "wow" that is so endearing and totally and overbearingly powerful.
It transcends one's being, and lifts one out of the ordinary and thrusts one into the world of the unspeakable.
You feel pain because it is so wonderful, so beautiful, so much so that you want to embrace it, touch it, and never to let it go.
You want it to be imprinted on you, to be there in you always.
Time needs to stop. In that moment.
I am here. It is understood without saying.
I am here. I understand. You.
Will it be a redeeming night?
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
On Why I Need to Yell At My Kids
Why Do I Need to Yell At My Kids
Sometimes I just feel there is that urgency.
To get it all out.
As if I don't, I will perish.
Because I am frustrated
by their lack of response, indifference, willfulness, disobedience, hard of hearing, total disrespect,
and more.
All of those things all come to me at the same time.
And I need to respond.
I want to get their attention.
I want to change the way things are immediately.
I want CHANGE NOW.
I don't want to wait.
I don't want to patiently repeat myself a hundred times more,
and to be greeted with no response yet.
I don't want to keep on engaging you in dialogue,
trying to convince you of my point of view.
I want you to do what I say and do it now.
I don't want to listen to reasons or excuses.
I don't want you to do the things you want to do.
I want you to do what I am asking you to do now.
I want to stop the frenzy, to stop the talking, to stop the noise.
To just stop.
So I say stop at the top of my lungs.
So I yell.
To bring peace back.
To bring my peace back.
For a while.
So that I can breath again, so that I can think again.
In a quietness when everything and everyone is still.
And then to regret.
Knowing that yelling is no solution.
That I am teaching bad habits.
Because I don't know how to handle stress,
I am showing my kids the inappropriate ways to handle stress.
I feel sorry for losing control.
For acting so irresponsibly, and for being so emotional.
For being selfish and thinking only of my personal needs.
So I try to be a little nicer, changing my tones, and going to them with apologies.
I try to give out a little more love, to embrace them, to mend the brokenness.
Praying that they wouldn't be permanently damaged or hardened, or come to permanently dislike me.
Then I become more tolerant, stretching myself a little more, and doing a little too much forgiving.
Until I could take it no more.
Sigh. When will it end.
Sometimes I just feel there is that urgency.
To get it all out.
As if I don't, I will perish.
Because I am frustrated
by their lack of response, indifference, willfulness, disobedience, hard of hearing, total disrespect,
and more.
All of those things all come to me at the same time.
And I need to respond.
I want to get their attention.
I want to change the way things are immediately.
I want CHANGE NOW.
I don't want to wait.
I don't want to patiently repeat myself a hundred times more,
and to be greeted with no response yet.
I don't want to keep on engaging you in dialogue,
trying to convince you of my point of view.
I want you to do what I say and do it now.
I don't want to listen to reasons or excuses.
I don't want you to do the things you want to do.
I want you to do what I am asking you to do now.
I want to stop the frenzy, to stop the talking, to stop the noise.
To just stop.
So I say stop at the top of my lungs.
So I yell.
To bring peace back.
To bring my peace back.
For a while.
So that I can breath again, so that I can think again.
In a quietness when everything and everyone is still.
And then to regret.
Knowing that yelling is no solution.
That I am teaching bad habits.
Because I don't know how to handle stress,
I am showing my kids the inappropriate ways to handle stress.
I feel sorry for losing control.
For acting so irresponsibly, and for being so emotional.
For being selfish and thinking only of my personal needs.
So I try to be a little nicer, changing my tones, and going to them with apologies.
I try to give out a little more love, to embrace them, to mend the brokenness.
Praying that they wouldn't be permanently damaged or hardened, or come to permanently dislike me.
Then I become more tolerant, stretching myself a little more, and doing a little too much forgiving.
Until I could take it no more.
Sigh. When will it end.
This is one of those days (Originally posted May 8, 2013)
This is one of those days
First I spent two hours on the phone with my cell phone provider to see if I could get my internet working again. This is after 10 days of no 3G, and after numerous power offs, and phone resets. Today I talked to 4 reps, went through countless resets. One hung up on me, and the last one put me on hold indefinitely. I guess the point was for me to realize no one was going to help, and that I should just hang up. Frustration to the nth degree, and I still have no internet.
Then I took my kid to a birthday party. The invitation says two hours of video playing at home. Or so I thought. The host rented a game truck for all the kids to play. Game truck?! Where have I been! Am I the only person out there who do not think we need to do something super fancy for our kids, birthdays or not? So adding to the frustration was a sense of inadequacy. Bad mom?
Decided I needed to brew myself a cup of coffee to collect myself. While taking the milk out of the fridge, I noticed the gallon of milk leaked. When do you ever see a plastic gallon container break?! Those things are supposed to last forever, in a landfill or out.
Fancy day, I suppose. Got me to start blogging though; can't complain.
Then I took my kid to a birthday party. The invitation says two hours of video playing at home. Or so I thought. The host rented a game truck for all the kids to play. Game truck?! Where have I been! Am I the only person out there who do not think we need to do something super fancy for our kids, birthdays or not? So adding to the frustration was a sense of inadequacy. Bad mom?
Decided I needed to brew myself a cup of coffee to collect myself. While taking the milk out of the fridge, I noticed the gallon of milk leaked. When do you ever see a plastic gallon container break?! Those things are supposed to last forever, in a landfill or out.
Fancy day, I suppose. Got me to start blogging though; can't complain.
Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood (originally posted May 14, 2013)
Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood
J. has suddenly taken a liking to Elmo. It's been so long since I watched morning PBS, so yesterday I channel surfed to see if I can get to Sesame Street. I didn't find it, but I came upon Daniel Tiger. It was a clip on managing anger. I sat there amazed because they were teaching little kids how to address strong emotions such as anger: first the adult affirmed the child of feeling angry, then s/he allowed the kid to express in words his/her frustrations, sing a song to calm oneself down, and then find solutions with friends. I thought it was a sign of the times. We have become a people so invested in ourselves, with a strong sense of unquestionable entitlement that we have forgotten there is a world around us, one in which we are only a part. It was nice that PBS has a show that is catching on to what's needed. If the little kids watching the show can put the steps into practice, hopefully we'd have less problems at school, at work, and everywhere around.
After the clip, there was something with a trolley, and Daniel Tiger signing off while sitting on a bench, unzipping his sweater and taking off his shoes. It reminded me of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. I goggled to find that it was the 2013 version! Wow. http://www.fredrogerscenter.org/blog/bringing-fred-rogers-curriculum-to-todays-parents/
Today, again by chance, J and I watched Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I was cleaning up when I heard the song, "It's You I like." It's not the way you wear your hair nor the things you do; it's you I like! It almost brought tears to my eyes, and I was surprised at myself. Perhaps because it was such a quiet song, yet one that speaks of such profound and powerful truth, Biblical truth, too, that tugged at the heartstrings. We are special and worthy not because of what we own, how we look, or what we do, but because of who we are. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that alone should be enough! Ah, I still remember the quiet yet assuring way Mr. Rogers used to sing his songs. So gentle and loving, and yet so strong. Such comfort! Really miss you, Mr. Rogers! http://pbskids.org/rogers/songLyricsItsYouILike.html
After the clip, there was something with a trolley, and Daniel Tiger signing off while sitting on a bench, unzipping his sweater and taking off his shoes. It reminded me of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. I goggled to find that it was the 2013 version! Wow. http://www.fredrogerscenter.org/blog/bringing-fred-rogers-curriculum-to-todays-parents/
Today, again by chance, J and I watched Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I was cleaning up when I heard the song, "It's You I like." It's not the way you wear your hair nor the things you do; it's you I like! It almost brought tears to my eyes, and I was surprised at myself. Perhaps because it was such a quiet song, yet one that speaks of such profound and powerful truth, Biblical truth, too, that tugged at the heartstrings. We are special and worthy not because of what we own, how we look, or what we do, but because of who we are. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that alone should be enough! Ah, I still remember the quiet yet assuring way Mr. Rogers used to sing his songs. So gentle and loving, and yet so strong. Such comfort! Really miss you, Mr. Rogers! http://pbskids.org/rogers/songLyricsItsYouILike.html
Hard to be the quite one (originally posted May 15, 2013)
Hard to be the quiet one
Went to Y's school performance today. Messed up on the camcorder, of course, and failed to record his speaking part. Sigh. He was a bit nervous and put his hand on his hat as he spoke.
After the hour-long show, students and parents mingled in the gym to view the children's work. We took pictures of the diorama and his writings. He posed with his teacher. I asked him questions, and we walked around. Still people did not disperse, and we had a lot of time to kill. I noticed Y wasn't interacting with classmates much. Not that anyone came to talk to me either. But the loneliness was staring me in the eyes. Perhaps I was making things worse, trying to small talk to Y, and putting on my high-pitched, overly exuberant, spunky self. What's wrong with being alone?
What's wrong with not being the center of that small universe?
What's wrong being alone and not being part of something else?
What's wrong with not having lots of friends on hand, or being part of that crowd?
Those are the questions I had to ask myself.
His aloneness made me anxious.
Because I was like that.
And I wish I wasn't?
I, too, had friends.
But occasionally, when a group event came around, they were usually already somewhere else, and with other people.
And I for one, couldn't bring myself to join in.
I, too, wanted to be included but didn't know how, and did not have the confidence that I could approach without being looked at, or frowned upon.
I did not want the experience of people walking away from me.
So I stayed out.
The juxtaposition of being in the crowd but looking in is a painful one.
One that needed no reminders, one that I wanted to cease.
Certainly it was not something I wanted to see in my son.
But the pain lives on...
I think I need to stop adding more pressure to my kid.
I need to stop giving him a load of my expectations of what I don't want myself to be.
It is already hard and lonely as it is,
for a quiet kid who is but out there.
After the hour-long show, students and parents mingled in the gym to view the children's work. We took pictures of the diorama and his writings. He posed with his teacher. I asked him questions, and we walked around. Still people did not disperse, and we had a lot of time to kill. I noticed Y wasn't interacting with classmates much. Not that anyone came to talk to me either. But the loneliness was staring me in the eyes. Perhaps I was making things worse, trying to small talk to Y, and putting on my high-pitched, overly exuberant, spunky self. What's wrong with being alone?
What's wrong with not being the center of that small universe?
What's wrong being alone and not being part of something else?
What's wrong with not having lots of friends on hand, or being part of that crowd?
Those are the questions I had to ask myself.
His aloneness made me anxious.
Because I was like that.
And I wish I wasn't?
I, too, had friends.
But occasionally, when a group event came around, they were usually already somewhere else, and with other people.
And I for one, couldn't bring myself to join in.
I, too, wanted to be included but didn't know how, and did not have the confidence that I could approach without being looked at, or frowned upon.
I did not want the experience of people walking away from me.
So I stayed out.
The juxtaposition of being in the crowd but looking in is a painful one.
One that needed no reminders, one that I wanted to cease.
Certainly it was not something I wanted to see in my son.
But the pain lives on...
I think I need to stop adding more pressure to my kid.
I need to stop giving him a load of my expectations of what I don't want myself to be.
It is already hard and lonely as it is,
for a quiet kid who is but out there.
What happened to my blog? AKA thoughts on "All About Steve"
I had set up my blog on blogger earlier this year.
Recently I got busy and did not write.
Now I can't get in to add posts.
What's going on?
Anyway, today I saw an old movie, "All About Steve."
Yes, the one that Sandra Bullock got a Razzie for.
I would't have paid money to see it.
But on DVD it was not so bad.
She feels totally different on "All About Steve" than she was from "Blind Side."
The latter made her feel so much older.
Here in this movie she was all bubbly and interesting in her way.
Bradley Cooper is cute!
I saw "Silver Lining Playbook", and found his performance impressive.
More so than Jennifer Lawrence's, and yet she got an Oscar for her character.
But then again, how can anyone beat out Daniel Day-Lewis, who played Lincoln.
(Amazing portrayal, by the way!!!)
The reason I wanted to post this is because while the movie was somewhat crazy,
and you wonder about Mary's obsession with Steve.
At the end of the movie, after everything that happened in the mine,
Mary said something to the liking of there is an empty hole inside all of us.
She tried to fill it with words, with crossword puzzle, and with Steve.
But that was not the way to do it.
She went through a lot to find out Steve was not the answer.
That was what impressed me most about the movie.
Perhaps it was the reason Sandra Bullock decided to take the movie?
Because it is really about how we try to fill the empty void inside of us.
Sometimes we go crazy (like her chase after Steve) because we are just so empty inside.
We don't know what's wrong.
But we would do anything to get it filled.
Friday, March 8, 2013
This is one of those days
First I spent two hours on the phone with my cell phone provider to see if I could get my internet working again. This is after 10 days of no 3G, and after numerous power offs, and phone resets. Today I talked to 4 reps, went through countless resets. One hung up on me, and the last one put me on hold indefinitely. I guess the point was for me to realize no one was going to help, and that I should just hang up. Frustration to the nth degree, and I still have no internet.
Then I took my kid to a birthday party. The invitation says two hours of video playing at home. Or so I thought. The host rented a game truck for all the kids to play. Game truck?! Where have I been! Am I the only person out there who do not think we need to do something super fancy for our kids, birthdays or not? So adding to the frustration was a sense of inadequacy. Bad mom?
Decided I needed to brew myself a cup of coffee to collect myself. While taking the milk out of the fridge, I noticed the gallon of milk leaked. When do you ever see a plastic gallon container break?! Those things are supposed to last forever, in a landfill or out.
Fancy day, I suppose. Got me to start blogging though; can't complain.
Then I took my kid to a birthday party. The invitation says two hours of video playing at home. Or so I thought. The host rented a game truck for all the kids to play. Game truck?! Where have I been! Am I the only person out there who do not think we need to do something super fancy for our kids, birthdays or not? So adding to the frustration was a sense of inadequacy. Bad mom?
Decided I needed to brew myself a cup of coffee to collect myself. While taking the milk out of the fridge, I noticed the gallon of milk leaked. When do you ever see a plastic gallon container break?! Those things are supposed to last forever, in a landfill or out.
Fancy day, I suppose. Got me to start blogging though; can't complain.
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