On Why I Need to Yell At My Kids

Why Do I Need to Yell At My Kids

Sometimes I just feel there is that urgency.
To get it all out.
As if I don't, I will perish.
Because I am frustrated
by their lack of response, indifference, willfulness, disobedience, hard of hearing, total disrespect,
and more.
All of those things all come to me at the same time.
And I need to respond.
I want to get their attention.
I want to change the way things are immediately.
I want CHANGE NOW.
I don't want to wait.
I don't want to patiently repeat myself a hundred times more,
and to be greeted with no response yet.
I don't want to keep on engaging you in dialogue,
trying to convince you of my point of view.
I want you to do what I say and do it now.
I don't want to listen to reasons or excuses.
I don't want you to do the things you want to do.
I want you to do what I am asking you to do now.
I want to stop the frenzy, to stop the talking, to stop the noise.
To just stop.
So I say stop at the top of my lungs.
So I yell.
To bring peace back.
To bring my peace back.
For a while.
So that I can breath again, so that I can think again.
In a quietness when everything and everyone is still.
And then to regret.
Knowing that yelling is no solution.
That I am teaching bad habits.
Because I don't know how to handle stress,
I am showing my kids the inappropriate ways to handle stress.
I feel sorry for losing control.
For acting so irresponsibly, and for being so emotional.
For being selfish and thinking only of my personal needs.
So I try to be a little nicer, changing my tones, and going to them with apologies.
I try to give out a little more love, to embrace them, to mend the brokenness.
Praying that they wouldn't be permanently damaged or hardened, or come to permanently dislike me.
Then I become more tolerant, stretching myself a little more, and doing a little too much forgiving.
Until I could take it no more.

Sigh.  When will it end.