Friday, July 5, 2019
Monday, April 16, 2018
Perhaps this is a good sign
It’s been almost two years since I last wrote.
A lot has changed in my life.
But perhaps it’s a good sign that I haven’t needed to write more here.
Because ultimately what’s the point?
Nothing really changes.
I still get upset at the people who should understand but don’t understand.
In turn, I am made to feel worse about myself.
Why fall into that trap?
Let it go and find other meaningful things to do.
Life is more important than always trying to gain the understanding of other people.
If they don’t think being significant to me is significant,
If they think they are already doing their best and are already too loving,
then it’s useless trying to change that.
Who wants to haggle over one’s standing in the heart all the time?
The constant and strenuous effort of being the most important one.
It’s okay then.
It’s not worth it.
As if I am so petty that all I do is out of selfishness,
When in reality it is about building a relationship.
But if I shouldn’t care this much, then I shan’t.
We are all given choices to make in life.
I heard it loud and clear the choices made.
If that’s the way it is, that’s the way it is.
I can deal with it.
It’s just too bad.
A lot has changed in my life.
But perhaps it’s a good sign that I haven’t needed to write more here.
Because ultimately what’s the point?
Nothing really changes.
I still get upset at the people who should understand but don’t understand.
In turn, I am made to feel worse about myself.
Why fall into that trap?
Let it go and find other meaningful things to do.
Life is more important than always trying to gain the understanding of other people.
If they don’t think being significant to me is significant,
If they think they are already doing their best and are already too loving,
then it’s useless trying to change that.
Who wants to haggle over one’s standing in the heart all the time?
The constant and strenuous effort of being the most important one.
It’s okay then.
It’s not worth it.
As if I am so petty that all I do is out of selfishness,
When in reality it is about building a relationship.
But if I shouldn’t care this much, then I shan’t.
We are all given choices to make in life.
I heard it loud and clear the choices made.
If that’s the way it is, that’s the way it is.
I can deal with it.
It’s just too bad.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Is there someone there you just don't like
(originally posted January 26, 2015)
It's inevitable.
But most of the time, I'm sure, we don't let them get under our skin.
Most of the time, I just let it slide,
brushing off the annoyance I have with such person.
Then there are the other people,
whom for various reasons, are connected to you one way or the other.
You just cannot avoid them because no matter where you go,
they are there.
They could be co-workers, other parents, people at the gym,
or in my case, someone related to me by marriage.
I just cannot shake it off.
I find the person extremely selfish, and I'm pulling hair.
I get mad for things that I'd normally let go.
It bothers me that I'm bothered.
The person is so not worth my time.
Yet here I am, writing a blog page because of this person.
Perhaps there is a bit of jealousy here.
This person gets whatever she wants.
A big new house, car from parents, vacation, she wants the best of everything, etc.
Other siblings also seem to think her kids are the brightest,
darlings of the world.
Everyone in the family helps her with all these things.
So she goes on vacation, husb has to drive her and family to the airport.
Even at the most inconvenient time.
Obviously it's husb's fault for not declining.
It's family, he thinks.
But why should we support that life style when it's obviously her family who are enjoying it?
Other people think they are doing so well, living the high life.
I am upset with husb also because he thinks I am being unreasonable.
He thinks he has always been nice to my family.
But it does not deny the fact that she is selfish, does it.
I want a little confirmation, for people to tell me yes, I see what you see.
I want them to wake up and stop supporting such behavior.
I want this person to know what s/he is doing, and change.
I know I'm wrong, and that I shouldn't feel this way.
Writing it out helps.
My brain needs to shift into gear and let the emotions subside.
***
Update:
After I wrote the above, I went to do dishes.
I love doing dishes because it's something I have control over.
I alone can make things clean, and make the place look nice.
Very nice.
A little on the sick side, but it's therapeutic.
As I was washing the dishes, I reflected on what I wrote.
I asked myself, why can't I just be happy for her, like I am happy for a lot of other people?
A thought then came to me.
"Unworthy."
I thought it some more, and I realized that is it.
It is because I think she is unworthy and therefore I think she doesn't deserve what she has.
If I felt there is more, than I might not have felt so upset.
But if that is the bottom line, I am doomed.
Who is worthy, really? In God's eyes, no one is.
I am not worthy either.
So how can I judge?
This is a tough pill to swallow.
It's something I have to come to terms with.
Equality under God.
But most of the time, I'm sure, we don't let them get under our skin.
Most of the time, I just let it slide,
brushing off the annoyance I have with such person.
Then there are the other people,
whom for various reasons, are connected to you one way or the other.
You just cannot avoid them because no matter where you go,
they are there.
They could be co-workers, other parents, people at the gym,
or in my case, someone related to me by marriage.
I just cannot shake it off.
I find the person extremely selfish, and I'm pulling hair.
I get mad for things that I'd normally let go.
It bothers me that I'm bothered.
The person is so not worth my time.
Yet here I am, writing a blog page because of this person.
Perhaps there is a bit of jealousy here.
This person gets whatever she wants.
A big new house, car from parents, vacation, she wants the best of everything, etc.
Other siblings also seem to think her kids are the brightest,
darlings of the world.
Everyone in the family helps her with all these things.
So she goes on vacation, husb has to drive her and family to the airport.
Even at the most inconvenient time.
Obviously it's husb's fault for not declining.
It's family, he thinks.
But why should we support that life style when it's obviously her family who are enjoying it?
Other people think they are doing so well, living the high life.
I am upset with husb also because he thinks I am being unreasonable.
He thinks he has always been nice to my family.
But it does not deny the fact that she is selfish, does it.
I want a little confirmation, for people to tell me yes, I see what you see.
I want them to wake up and stop supporting such behavior.
I want this person to know what s/he is doing, and change.
I know I'm wrong, and that I shouldn't feel this way.
Writing it out helps.
My brain needs to shift into gear and let the emotions subside.
***
Update:
After I wrote the above, I went to do dishes.
I love doing dishes because it's something I have control over.
I alone can make things clean, and make the place look nice.
Very nice.
A little on the sick side, but it's therapeutic.
As I was washing the dishes, I reflected on what I wrote.
I asked myself, why can't I just be happy for her, like I am happy for a lot of other people?
A thought then came to me.
"Unworthy."
I thought it some more, and I realized that is it.
It is because I think she is unworthy and therefore I think she doesn't deserve what she has.
If I felt there is more, than I might not have felt so upset.
But if that is the bottom line, I am doomed.
Who is worthy, really? In God's eyes, no one is.
I am not worthy either.
So how can I judge?
This is a tough pill to swallow.
It's something I have to come to terms with.
Equality under God.
Emotional Dump
(originally posted October 26, 2014)
I think my role at home is that of a dumpster.
Whenever my mom has anything going on in her life,
whether it is happy things, sad things, good things, bad things,
but mostly things that either make her really happy or really upset,
she needs to share it.
First with my dad, and then us, or me.
I just need to say, ahem, ahem, yes, yes.
I've actually looked at the clock before,
we can go on for half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour,
and I would have said no more than ten words.
Just listen to all that's happening in my mom's life.
She doesn't want me to confront her on issues,
she doesn't want me to call her out (or she will get more upset,
and there will be more phone calls and more time spent just to placate her,
and amend the situation).
She just wants someone to hear her out,
to feel sad with her,
to agree with her,
to make her feel better.
She usually don't remember that I have things going on in my life,
until it's toward the end of the phone call,
when she kinda apologizes for talking for so long,
and mentions that I should have told her I was busy.
But it's either take it now, or take it later.
There is never a better time.
Because I don't like to be an emotional dump.
But if I ever show signs of impatience, or frustration,
it will always come back to me in other forms of talk,
that puts the blame entirely on me.
That I have lost my patience, that I am no longer the same,
that I am badly influenced by people around me,
that I am too busy for the family.
All the guilt trips there are in the world.
Then mom would get dad wound up,
and I have to face the castigating looks from my dad, too.
They have done so much for me,
going out of their way.
More so than any of my other siblings.
The list goes on and on.
It is easier just to listen and be done.
Of course it's never done, because at times the phone calls can be frequent.
And I feel awful afterwards.
I in turn take it out on the people around me.
But how do I tell my mom this is really not constructive?
That she needs to own some of her feelings?
That many people have had it much harder and they have to just take it?
How can I make her understand that when we say these things it is not a personal attack.
It is an attempt to strike some balance in our lives.
Because she feels she owns all of us, and can freely encroach into our space,
if we don't let her, we are not good kids, we don't love her, and we don't care.
What can I do when fighting her, as I have in the past, only produced worse results,
and I ended up feeling more frustrated?
My mom is not interested in changing.
She does not want to change.
She thinks she is perfect, except for occasional mishaps that can be admitted only by her.
Her opinions are always right, they are always for our good.
We need to be more understanding, more loving, more giving.
We need to always put mom first.
There is no other route except that.
I just started reading, "Lies that Women Believe."
I want to know what lie(s) I believe that is supporting this poor behavior.
Is it the belief that love only comes through obedience/ selflessness?
That I need to be obedient in order to show love?
Is it the belief in the futility of things?
That no matter what I/we do, people cannot change?
Is it the belief that hurting people's feelings is bad?
Because I am timid? I hate confrontation?
I don't want to hurt their feelings?
Or the belief that I am responsible for their lives?
Because they have done so much for me, and I am not working,
and I cannot support them properly, and hence my parents are suffering because of me?
I would like to find out because I really dislike the way things are going.
Whenever my mom has anything going on in her life,
whether it is happy things, sad things, good things, bad things,
but mostly things that either make her really happy or really upset,
she needs to share it.
First with my dad, and then us, or me.
I just need to say, ahem, ahem, yes, yes.
I've actually looked at the clock before,
we can go on for half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour,
and I would have said no more than ten words.
Just listen to all that's happening in my mom's life.
She doesn't want me to confront her on issues,
she doesn't want me to call her out (or she will get more upset,
and there will be more phone calls and more time spent just to placate her,
and amend the situation).
She just wants someone to hear her out,
to feel sad with her,
to agree with her,
to make her feel better.
She usually don't remember that I have things going on in my life,
until it's toward the end of the phone call,
when she kinda apologizes for talking for so long,
and mentions that I should have told her I was busy.
But it's either take it now, or take it later.
There is never a better time.
Because I don't like to be an emotional dump.
But if I ever show signs of impatience, or frustration,
it will always come back to me in other forms of talk,
that puts the blame entirely on me.
That I have lost my patience, that I am no longer the same,
that I am badly influenced by people around me,
that I am too busy for the family.
All the guilt trips there are in the world.
Then mom would get dad wound up,
and I have to face the castigating looks from my dad, too.
They have done so much for me,
going out of their way.
More so than any of my other siblings.
The list goes on and on.
It is easier just to listen and be done.
Of course it's never done, because at times the phone calls can be frequent.
And I feel awful afterwards.
I in turn take it out on the people around me.
But how do I tell my mom this is really not constructive?
That she needs to own some of her feelings?
That many people have had it much harder and they have to just take it?
How can I make her understand that when we say these things it is not a personal attack.
It is an attempt to strike some balance in our lives.
Because she feels she owns all of us, and can freely encroach into our space,
if we don't let her, we are not good kids, we don't love her, and we don't care.
What can I do when fighting her, as I have in the past, only produced worse results,
and I ended up feeling more frustrated?
My mom is not interested in changing.
She does not want to change.
She thinks she is perfect, except for occasional mishaps that can be admitted only by her.
Her opinions are always right, they are always for our good.
We need to be more understanding, more loving, more giving.
We need to always put mom first.
There is no other route except that.
I just started reading, "Lies that Women Believe."
I want to know what lie(s) I believe that is supporting this poor behavior.
Is it the belief that love only comes through obedience/ selflessness?
That I need to be obedient in order to show love?
Is it the belief in the futility of things?
That no matter what I/we do, people cannot change?
Is it the belief that hurting people's feelings is bad?
Because I am timid? I hate confrontation?
I don't want to hurt their feelings?
Or the belief that I am responsible for their lives?
Because they have done so much for me, and I am not working,
and I cannot support them properly, and hence my parents are suffering because of me?
I would like to find out because I really dislike the way things are going.
Put Your Trust in a... Lamborghini?
(originally posted September 17, 2014)
Went to pick up my oldest on a regular school day.
A Tuesday, actually.
An ordinary day.
When the kid came to the car, he said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"That car! It's a Lamborghini."
Ah, a couple lanes over is a flashy orangish thing.
"It's really cool. The doors go up."
"Someone's dad came to pick him up. He is an eighth grader."
"Do you know him?"
"No." "Everyone is taking pictures."
"Oh, okay. Let me take one."
The car started to move out of a lane of parked cars.
Got one, got two shots of the moving car.
"Mom, can you go behind him?'
"What! I can't! This lane has to turn left."
In my mind I wondered about the person driving the Lamborghini.
So he just sat there while the rest of the student body took pictures?
How weird.
It was also weird to see the car move.
As in, someone is really driving that thing.
On the way home, my oldest asked if we could afford the car.
"Umm, maybe like if we don't eat?"
He went home and looked up the model and the price.
He said if there is a burglary, the burglar probably will go to the person with the Lamborghini.
I said I'm sure they will have good security system.
The burglar will probably rob people like us first, and leave the rich alone.
Do I sound bitter?
My middle child did not see the car because he had after school activity.
When I told him about the sports car, he asked why drive it to school?
Was it to show off?
My sensible kid.
I felt the same way, dismissing it at first,
thinking it's nothing but a no brain parent, trying to show off.
Then it started to wear on me.
I suddenly noticed how unhappy I have become the day after.
While I may have said something like who cares about a Lamborghini,
deep down inside I started to wonder what it must have been like,
to have that much money to be able to afford a fancy exotic car like that,
and more.
We are not poor, but in the face of a Lamborghini,
I realize how poor I have suddenly become.
Because we cannot afford to have one,
because we don't have the freedom to just go and buy one,
I felt unhappy, and I felt inferior.
It's ludicrous, I know.
I know in my mind, some people's sense of self worth is entirely tied up with money.
So when they lose it, it is even more catastrophic.
I also know there are things more profound than money, there are things more lasting than wealth.
But I also know the feelings of worry,
about keeping a job and having enough money to feed the family.
In the Lamborghini I see stability, I see money, and it says worry is nonexistent.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Of course that kind of scenario will never happen, even if we are to own a Lamborghni.
But that's the kind of appeal that the car had on me.
Thank God it was just a moment.
Two day, but still just a moment in the whole schema of things.
We Were Burglarized
(originally posted July 13, 2014)
With family visiting, we decided to take them around on the Fourth of July.
We didn't leave right away, but waited until after lunch, around 1:30pm.
We actually turned around and drove back home because we had forgotten things.
We were at our destination for a measly four hours.
DD was asleep in the car when we returned, and DH picked her up to bring her in.
The next thing I knew, or rather, I heard, was DD's cry.
DH had put her down on the front portico.
I was about to respond to this unusual sight when I heard someone repeating DH's words:
we've been robbed.
Call the police.
Initial reaction was shock, and disbelief.
How can this be?
We are in one of the safest neighborhoods around.
Home invasion on the fourth of July, and in the middle of the day?
The person knocked down the door frame.
He probably used a crowbar, and really hammered the door frame in.
It was shocking, to see the damaged frame and broken door handle.
Why would anyone do this?
My initial fear was my laptop.
Before we went about our search, we waited outside for the police to arrive.
Nobody showed up.
We just stood there, by the edges of the driveway, too fearful to get any closer.
Or rather, the broken door frame was just too much to look at.
Praying, and just being there with and for each other.
In total disbelief, at least it was for me.
DH rang the neighbor's doorbell.
She didn't come out for a long time.
When she finally did, we talked.
Then she drove off.
She said it was to visit her daughter.
Had to call the police again.
Had to wait again.
Finally two police officers showed up.
They told us to go in, and see what went missing.
I thought it was odd that we don't need to preserve the scene of "crime".
We had heard from our neighbor that people break in for jewelry.
Mom went to her room and found her jewelry taken.
I found my laptop, and cash on the table untouched.
But we lost my graduation gift, our first iPad.
He didn't touch our laptops.
Then I found out he took most of my jewelry as well.
While my loss, at least money wise, wasn't as great as mom's,
I lost almost almost all the sentimental pieces.
All the special gifts from DH, and family and friends.
Everything.
Two pearl pendants from DH when he was courting me.
Had two because he originally misplaced one, and had to get a replacement.
He prayed about it, and found it in the garage and on top of a car at the place he used to live.
I also lost a set of pearl earrings that DH gave me for our wedding.
A diamond pendant, a going away gift from my best friends in college when I left for graduate school.
A special pendant from my best friends in college. All four of us had one.
I lost a 24K ring that my fieldwork hostess gave me.
It was a small ring. But it was a special gift that she had picked out from her stash.
It was mixed in with a whole bunch of other rings, most of which were custom jewelry.
The person actually took the time to pick that one out from the bunch.
Just thinking about the person taking the time to pick out stuff really angers me.
I also lost a pair of brass handcuffs from my best friend in graduate school.
She brought them back from AZ where she went for a conference.
She also gave me a ceramic pin made by a local artist in HP.
These pieces were in their original box.
Mom's sister gave me a gold plated leaf, with a gold chain.
DH's sister gave me a murano glass beads necklace from Italy.
His aunt gave me a strand of necklace with pearls and in a nice mirrored and lacquered brown box.
My graduate school roommate gave me a lacquered jewelry box from SK inlaid with mother of pearl.
A 24K horse pendant for oldest son from my college best friends was also taken.
The first strand of pearl necklace, from Carol Lee, that I bought for myself is no longer mine.
An imitation "beanzu" Tiffany necklace that I bought when I was in Japan.
A rectangular brown hair clip from Aunt Celine that was made in France.
Plus numerous other pearl necklaces that mom gave me.
Each piece had a story.
Each held a connection to a person (or persons) to a special time or a place in my life.
Now they are all gone.
It's hard not to feel angry at the person who did this.
And that is to put it very mildly.
If I could use stronger words, I would.
As for the police, it was a total disappointment.
They probably take this as everyday stuff.
At least no one was injured.
So they probably don't think much of it.
The evidence technician didn't show up until 23 hours later.
Even though the police officers (both those who responded to the call, and those who answered our phone inquiries) promised that he will show up the day of burglary.
He never came.
At least not until 4pm, the following day.
We waited and waited, leaving the house the way we found it.
We could not clean up or do anything else because we had to preserve the site.
We took turns waiting at the door, until it was finally too late to leave the door open.
So we closed the glass door.
Then we closed the main door.
Then we decided we had to get some rest.
We finally relented, and had to admit that no officer would come at 1 am at night.
To sleep, we all huddled together on the floor.
The kids were terrified.
How can anyone do this!
Will they do it again?
Fear life, at one's own home.
We waited another 8 days before the detective called.
Basically everything that was promised by the police turned out to be false.
The officers who responded to the call, and even the evidence technician had said that we can show pictures to the detective when he comes.
We were told that the pawn shops are required by law to post pictures of objects pawned.
That because mom's items are unique, there was a greater chance of recovering them.
Now the detective, whom we didn't see and only heard on the phone, said it is not going to happen.
The pawn shops do not supply the pictures, even though they are required to.
The person probably shipped the items to other places, so online search will not produce much result.
But we could still try, he suggested.
Is this person for real?
We are given the responsibility to track down our lost items?
What then are the police for?
Does he need to show anymore effort?
Impressive. Not.
He is smart to have waited eight days to call.
By now feelings have somewhat dulled, and expectation lowered.
To wait day after day after day for the detective to show up, the expectation had turned from hopefulness to finding closure.
When he finally called, it was more like checking off an item on the list.
Now it's complete. We are done.
At least he called.
How we reward ourselves.
People say "to forgive is divine."
It is almost impossible right now for me to forgive the person who did this to us.
Adding insult to injury is the police's non-response and complacency.
We are left on our own.
With nothing left to help us.
I _______ that person.
Lord help me because right now I am full of rage and cannot forgive.
We didn't leave right away, but waited until after lunch, around 1:30pm.
We actually turned around and drove back home because we had forgotten things.
We were at our destination for a measly four hours.
DD was asleep in the car when we returned, and DH picked her up to bring her in.
The next thing I knew, or rather, I heard, was DD's cry.
DH had put her down on the front portico.
I was about to respond to this unusual sight when I heard someone repeating DH's words:
we've been robbed.
Call the police.
Initial reaction was shock, and disbelief.
How can this be?
We are in one of the safest neighborhoods around.
Home invasion on the fourth of July, and in the middle of the day?
The person knocked down the door frame.
He probably used a crowbar, and really hammered the door frame in.
It was shocking, to see the damaged frame and broken door handle.
Why would anyone do this?
My initial fear was my laptop.
Before we went about our search, we waited outside for the police to arrive.
Nobody showed up.
We just stood there, by the edges of the driveway, too fearful to get any closer.
Or rather, the broken door frame was just too much to look at.
Praying, and just being there with and for each other.
In total disbelief, at least it was for me.
DH rang the neighbor's doorbell.
She didn't come out for a long time.
When she finally did, we talked.
Then she drove off.
She said it was to visit her daughter.
Had to call the police again.
Had to wait again.
Finally two police officers showed up.
They told us to go in, and see what went missing.
I thought it was odd that we don't need to preserve the scene of "crime".
We had heard from our neighbor that people break in for jewelry.
Mom went to her room and found her jewelry taken.
I found my laptop, and cash on the table untouched.
But we lost my graduation gift, our first iPad.
He didn't touch our laptops.
Then I found out he took most of my jewelry as well.
While my loss, at least money wise, wasn't as great as mom's,
I lost almost almost all the sentimental pieces.
All the special gifts from DH, and family and friends.
Everything.
Two pearl pendants from DH when he was courting me.
Had two because he originally misplaced one, and had to get a replacement.
He prayed about it, and found it in the garage and on top of a car at the place he used to live.
I also lost a set of pearl earrings that DH gave me for our wedding.
A diamond pendant, a going away gift from my best friends in college when I left for graduate school.
A special pendant from my best friends in college. All four of us had one.
I lost a 24K ring that my fieldwork hostess gave me.
It was a small ring. But it was a special gift that she had picked out from her stash.
It was mixed in with a whole bunch of other rings, most of which were custom jewelry.
The person actually took the time to pick that one out from the bunch.
Just thinking about the person taking the time to pick out stuff really angers me.
I also lost a pair of brass handcuffs from my best friend in graduate school.
She brought them back from AZ where she went for a conference.
She also gave me a ceramic pin made by a local artist in HP.
These pieces were in their original box.
Mom's sister gave me a gold plated leaf, with a gold chain.
DH's sister gave me a murano glass beads necklace from Italy.
His aunt gave me a strand of necklace with pearls and in a nice mirrored and lacquered brown box.
My graduate school roommate gave me a lacquered jewelry box from SK inlaid with mother of pearl.
A 24K horse pendant for oldest son from my college best friends was also taken.
The first strand of pearl necklace, from Carol Lee, that I bought for myself is no longer mine.
An imitation "beanzu" Tiffany necklace that I bought when I was in Japan.
A rectangular brown hair clip from Aunt Celine that was made in France.
Plus numerous other pearl necklaces that mom gave me.
Each piece had a story.
Each held a connection to a person (or persons) to a special time or a place in my life.
Now they are all gone.
It's hard not to feel angry at the person who did this.
And that is to put it very mildly.
If I could use stronger words, I would.
As for the police, it was a total disappointment.
They probably take this as everyday stuff.
At least no one was injured.
So they probably don't think much of it.
The evidence technician didn't show up until 23 hours later.
Even though the police officers (both those who responded to the call, and those who answered our phone inquiries) promised that he will show up the day of burglary.
He never came.
At least not until 4pm, the following day.
We waited and waited, leaving the house the way we found it.
We could not clean up or do anything else because we had to preserve the site.
We took turns waiting at the door, until it was finally too late to leave the door open.
So we closed the glass door.
Then we closed the main door.
Then we decided we had to get some rest.
We finally relented, and had to admit that no officer would come at 1 am at night.
To sleep, we all huddled together on the floor.
The kids were terrified.
How can anyone do this!
Will they do it again?
Fear life, at one's own home.
We waited another 8 days before the detective called.
Basically everything that was promised by the police turned out to be false.
The officers who responded to the call, and even the evidence technician had said that we can show pictures to the detective when he comes.
We were told that the pawn shops are required by law to post pictures of objects pawned.
That because mom's items are unique, there was a greater chance of recovering them.
Now the detective, whom we didn't see and only heard on the phone, said it is not going to happen.
The pawn shops do not supply the pictures, even though they are required to.
The person probably shipped the items to other places, so online search will not produce much result.
But we could still try, he suggested.
Is this person for real?
We are given the responsibility to track down our lost items?
What then are the police for?
Does he need to show anymore effort?
Impressive. Not.
He is smart to have waited eight days to call.
By now feelings have somewhat dulled, and expectation lowered.
To wait day after day after day for the detective to show up, the expectation had turned from hopefulness to finding closure.
When he finally called, it was more like checking off an item on the list.
Now it's complete. We are done.
At least he called.
How we reward ourselves.
People say "to forgive is divine."
It is almost impossible right now for me to forgive the person who did this to us.
Adding insult to injury is the police's non-response and complacency.
We are left on our own.
With nothing left to help us.
I _______ that person.
Lord help me because right now I am full of rage and cannot forgive.
I Just Wish It Isn't So
(originally posted June 19, 2014)
Parents are visiting us in a few days.
I asked mom to get me something.
She told me over the phone that she has bought a lot.
Then I told her it is for the in-laws.
She then became reluctant.
I didn't even ask for a lot.
It's just a nice gesture, since they will be here.
Why does it have to be so difficult.
To people she likes, she gives freely, and most times in abundance.
Others, it is done with drudgery, and I have to hear about it non-stop.
The cost, compared to what she gives to others, is minimal.
Yet she never makes the process easy.
I will always hear about how much she doesn't want to give,
how they don't deserve it,
what they have done in the past,
how she has to remember this deed or that deed in order to push herself,
but she does it, because I asked.
There has been situations similar to this one.
No matter how I or we complain about it, it is no use.
She always wants to put it in our face.
She never just says, okay. Done.
It is always about her, what she wants and don't want.
What she likes and don't like.
Actually my in-laws don't care about gifts.
They would rather not receive anything.
To them it's too much giving.
They don't want to worry about reciprocating.
They don't need these things.
So maybe I should just drop it.
Why give her this advantage point where she plays it up.
I just feel sorry.
That she has to act this way.
With so little love.
And gives us so much pain.
She told me over the phone that she has bought a lot.
Then I told her it is for the in-laws.
She then became reluctant.
I didn't even ask for a lot.
It's just a nice gesture, since they will be here.
Why does it have to be so difficult.
To people she likes, she gives freely, and most times in abundance.
Others, it is done with drudgery, and I have to hear about it non-stop.
The cost, compared to what she gives to others, is minimal.
Yet she never makes the process easy.
I will always hear about how much she doesn't want to give,
how they don't deserve it,
what they have done in the past,
how she has to remember this deed or that deed in order to push herself,
but she does it, because I asked.
There has been situations similar to this one.
No matter how I or we complain about it, it is no use.
She always wants to put it in our face.
She never just says, okay. Done.
It is always about her, what she wants and don't want.
What she likes and don't like.
Actually my in-laws don't care about gifts.
They would rather not receive anything.
To them it's too much giving.
They don't want to worry about reciprocating.
They don't need these things.
So maybe I should just drop it.
Why give her this advantage point where she plays it up.
I just feel sorry.
That she has to act this way.
With so little love.
And gives us so much pain.
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