Emotional Dump

(originally posted October 26, 2014)

I think my role at home is that of a dumpster.
Whenever my mom has anything going on in her life,
whether it is happy things, sad things, good things, bad things,
but mostly things that either make her really happy or really upset,
she needs to share it.
First with my dad, and then us, or me.
I just need to say, ahem, ahem, yes, yes.
I've actually looked at the clock before,
we can go on for half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour,
and I would have said no more than ten words.
Just listen to all that's happening in my mom's life.

She doesn't want me to confront her on issues,
she doesn't want me to call her out (or she will get more upset,
and there will be more phone calls and more time spent just to placate her,
and amend the situation).
She just wants someone to hear her out,
to feel sad with her,
to agree with her,
to make her feel better.
She usually don't remember that I have things going on in my life,
until it's toward the end of the phone call,
when she kinda apologizes for talking for so long,
and mentions that I should have told her I was busy.
But it's either take it now, or take it later.
There is never a better time.
Because I don't like to be an emotional dump.

But if I ever show signs of impatience, or frustration,
it will always come back to me in other forms of talk,
that puts the blame entirely on me.
That I have lost my patience, that I am no longer the same,
that I am badly influenced by people around me,
that I am too busy for the family.
All the guilt trips there are in the world.
Then mom would get dad wound up,
and I have to face the castigating looks from my dad, too.
They have done so much for me,
going out of their way.
More so than any of my other siblings.
The list goes on and on.
It is easier just to listen and be done.

Of course it's never done, because at times the phone calls can be frequent.
And I feel awful afterwards.
I in turn take it out on the people around me.
But how do I tell my mom this is really not constructive?
That she needs to own some of her feelings?
That many people have had it much harder and they have to just take it?
How can I make her understand that when we say these things it is not a personal attack.
It is an attempt to strike some balance in our lives.
Because she feels she owns all of us, and can freely encroach into our space,
if we don't let her, we are not good kids, we don't love her, and we don't care.
What can I do when fighting her, as I have in the past, only produced worse results,
and I ended up feeling more frustrated?

My mom is not interested in changing.
She does not want to change.
She thinks she is perfect, except for occasional mishaps that can be admitted only by her.
Her opinions are always right, they are always for our good.
We need to be more understanding, more loving, more giving.
We need to always put mom first.
There is no other route except that.

I just started reading, "Lies that Women Believe."
I want to know what lie(s) I believe that is supporting this poor behavior.
Is it the belief that love only comes through obedience/ selflessness?
That I need to be obedient in order to show love?
Is it the belief in the futility of things?
That no matter what I/we do, people cannot change?
Is it the belief that hurting people's feelings is bad?
Because I am timid?  I hate confrontation?
I don't want to hurt their feelings?
Or the belief that I am responsible for their lives?
Because they have done so much for me, and I am not working,
and I cannot support them properly, and hence my parents are suffering because of me?

I would like to find out because I really dislike the way things are going.