Is there someone there you just don't like

(originally posted January 26, 2015)

I'm sure there will always be people who bug us in the wrong way.

It's inevitable.
But most of the time, I'm sure, we don't let them get under our skin.
Most of the time, I just let it slide,
brushing off the annoyance I have with such person.

Then there are the other people,
whom for various reasons, are connected to you one way or the other.
You just cannot avoid them because no matter where you go,
they are there.
They could be co-workers, other parents, people at the gym,
or in my case, someone related to me by marriage.

I just cannot shake it off.
I find the person extremely selfish, and I'm pulling hair.
I get mad for things that I'd normally let go.
It bothers me that I'm bothered.
The person is so not worth my time.
Yet here I am, writing a blog page because of this person.

Perhaps there is a bit of jealousy here.
This person gets whatever she wants.
A big new house, car from parents, vacation, she wants the best of everything, etc.
Other siblings also seem to think her kids are the brightest,
darlings of the world.
Everyone in the family helps her with all these things.
So she goes on vacation, husb has to drive her and family to the airport.
Even at the most inconvenient time.
Obviously it's husb's fault for not declining.
It's family, he thinks.

But why should we support that life style when it's obviously her family who are enjoying it?
Other people think they are doing so well, living the high life.

I am upset with husb also because he thinks I am being unreasonable.
He thinks he has always been nice to my family.
But it does not deny the fact that she is selfish, does it.

I want a little confirmation, for people to tell me yes, I see what you see.
I want them to wake up and stop supporting such behavior.
I want this person to know what s/he is doing, and change.

I know I'm wrong, and that I shouldn't feel this way.

Writing it out helps.
My brain needs to shift into gear and let the emotions subside.

***
Update:
After I wrote the above, I went to do dishes.
I love doing dishes because it's something I have control over.
I alone can make things clean, and make the place look nice.
Very nice.
A little on the sick side, but it's therapeutic.

As I was washing the dishes, I reflected on what I wrote.
I asked myself, why can't I just be happy for her, like I am happy for a lot of other people?
A thought then came to me.
"Unworthy."
I thought it some more, and I realized that is it.
It is because I think she is unworthy and therefore I think she doesn't deserve what she has.
If I felt there is more, than I might not have felt so upset.

But if that is the bottom line, I am doomed.
Who is worthy, really?  In God's eyes, no one is.
I am not worthy either.
So how can I judge?
This is a tough pill to swallow.
It's something I have to come to terms with.
Equality under God.

Emotional Dump

(originally posted October 26, 2014)

I think my role at home is that of a dumpster.
Whenever my mom has anything going on in her life,
whether it is happy things, sad things, good things, bad things,
but mostly things that either make her really happy or really upset,
she needs to share it.
First with my dad, and then us, or me.
I just need to say, ahem, ahem, yes, yes.
I've actually looked at the clock before,
we can go on for half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour,
and I would have said no more than ten words.
Just listen to all that's happening in my mom's life.

She doesn't want me to confront her on issues,
she doesn't want me to call her out (or she will get more upset,
and there will be more phone calls and more time spent just to placate her,
and amend the situation).
She just wants someone to hear her out,
to feel sad with her,
to agree with her,
to make her feel better.
She usually don't remember that I have things going on in my life,
until it's toward the end of the phone call,
when she kinda apologizes for talking for so long,
and mentions that I should have told her I was busy.
But it's either take it now, or take it later.
There is never a better time.
Because I don't like to be an emotional dump.

But if I ever show signs of impatience, or frustration,
it will always come back to me in other forms of talk,
that puts the blame entirely on me.
That I have lost my patience, that I am no longer the same,
that I am badly influenced by people around me,
that I am too busy for the family.
All the guilt trips there are in the world.
Then mom would get dad wound up,
and I have to face the castigating looks from my dad, too.
They have done so much for me,
going out of their way.
More so than any of my other siblings.
The list goes on and on.
It is easier just to listen and be done.

Of course it's never done, because at times the phone calls can be frequent.
And I feel awful afterwards.
I in turn take it out on the people around me.
But how do I tell my mom this is really not constructive?
That she needs to own some of her feelings?
That many people have had it much harder and they have to just take it?
How can I make her understand that when we say these things it is not a personal attack.
It is an attempt to strike some balance in our lives.
Because she feels she owns all of us, and can freely encroach into our space,
if we don't let her, we are not good kids, we don't love her, and we don't care.
What can I do when fighting her, as I have in the past, only produced worse results,
and I ended up feeling more frustrated?

My mom is not interested in changing.
She does not want to change.
She thinks she is perfect, except for occasional mishaps that can be admitted only by her.
Her opinions are always right, they are always for our good.
We need to be more understanding, more loving, more giving.
We need to always put mom first.
There is no other route except that.

I just started reading, "Lies that Women Believe."
I want to know what lie(s) I believe that is supporting this poor behavior.
Is it the belief that love only comes through obedience/ selflessness?
That I need to be obedient in order to show love?
Is it the belief in the futility of things?
That no matter what I/we do, people cannot change?
Is it the belief that hurting people's feelings is bad?
Because I am timid?  I hate confrontation?
I don't want to hurt their feelings?
Or the belief that I am responsible for their lives?
Because they have done so much for me, and I am not working,
and I cannot support them properly, and hence my parents are suffering because of me?

I would like to find out because I really dislike the way things are going.

Put Your Trust in a... Lamborghini?

(originally posted September 17, 2014)

Went to pick up my oldest on a regular school day.
A Tuesday, actually.
An ordinary day.
When the kid came to the car, he said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"That car!  It's a Lamborghini."
Ah, a couple lanes over is a flashy orangish thing.
"It's really cool.  The doors go up."
"Someone's dad came to pick him up.  He is an eighth grader."
"Do you know him?"
"No."  "Everyone is taking pictures."
"Oh, okay.  Let me take one."
The car started to move out of a lane of parked cars.
Got one, got two shots of the moving car.
"Mom, can you go behind him?'
"What!  I can't!  This lane has to turn left."
In my mind I wondered about the person driving the Lamborghini.
So he just sat there while the rest of the student body took pictures?
How weird.
It was also weird to see the car move.
As in, someone is really driving that thing.

On the way home, my oldest asked if we could afford the car.
"Umm, maybe like if we don't eat?"
He went home and looked up the model and the price.
He said if there is a burglary, the burglar probably will go to the person with the Lamborghini.
I said I'm sure they will have good security system.
The burglar will probably rob people like us first, and leave the rich alone.
Do I sound bitter?

My middle child did not see the car because he had after school activity.
When I told him about the sports car, he asked why drive it to school?
Was it to show off?
My sensible kid.

I felt the same way, dismissing it at first,
thinking it's nothing but a no brain parent, trying to show off.

Then it started to wear on me.
I suddenly noticed how unhappy I have become the day after.
While I may have said something like who cares about a Lamborghini,
deep down inside I started to wonder what it must have been like,
to have that much money to be able to afford a fancy exotic car like that,
and more.
We are not poor, but in the face of a Lamborghini,
I realize how poor I have suddenly become.
Because we cannot afford to have one,
because we don't have the freedom to just go and buy one,
I felt unhappy, and I felt inferior.

It's ludicrous, I know.
I know in my mind, some people's sense of self worth is entirely tied up with money.
So when they lose it, it is even more catastrophic.
I also know there are things more profound than money, there are things more lasting than wealth.
But I also know the feelings of worry,
about keeping a job and having enough money to feed the family.
In the Lamborghini I see stability, I see money, and it says worry is nonexistent.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Of course that kind of scenario will never happen, even if we are to own a Lamborghni.
But that's the kind of appeal that the car had on me.
Thank God it was just a moment.
Two day, but still just a moment in the whole schema of things.

We Were Burglarized

(originally posted July 13, 2014)

With family visiting, we decided to take them around on the Fourth of July.
We didn't leave right away, but waited until after lunch, around 1:30pm.
We actually turned around and drove back home because we had forgotten things.
We were at our destination for a measly four hours.
DD was asleep in the car when we returned, and DH picked her up to bring her in.
The next thing I knew, or rather, I heard, was DD's cry.
DH had put her down on the front portico.
I was about to respond to this unusual sight when I heard someone repeating DH's words:
we've been robbed.
Call the police.
Initial reaction was shock, and disbelief.
How can this be?
We are in one of the safest neighborhoods around.
Home invasion on the fourth of July, and in the middle of the day?
The person knocked down the door frame.
He probably used a crowbar, and really hammered the door frame in.
It was shocking, to see the damaged frame and broken door handle.
Why would anyone do this?
My initial fear was my laptop.

Before we went about our search, we waited outside for the police to arrive.
Nobody showed up.
We just stood there, by the edges of the driveway, too fearful to get any closer.
Or rather, the broken door frame was just too much to look at.
Praying, and just being there with and for each other.
In total disbelief, at least it was for me.
DH rang the neighbor's doorbell.
She didn't come out for a long time.
When she finally did, we talked.
Then she drove off.
She said it was to visit her daughter.
Had to call the police again.
Had to wait again.
Finally two police officers showed up.
They told us to go in, and see what went missing.

I thought it was odd that we don't need to preserve the scene of "crime".
We had heard from our neighbor that people break in for jewelry.
Mom went to her room and found her jewelry taken.
I found my laptop, and cash on the table untouched.
But we lost my graduation gift, our first iPad.
He didn't touch our laptops.
Then I found out he took most of my jewelry as well.
While my loss, at least money wise, wasn't as great as mom's,
I lost almost almost all the sentimental pieces.
All the special gifts from DH, and family and friends.
Everything.

Two pearl pendants from DH when he was courting me.
Had two because he originally misplaced one, and had to get a replacement.
He prayed about it, and found it in the garage and on top of a car at the place he used to live.
I also lost a set of pearl earrings that DH gave me for our wedding.
A diamond pendant, a going away gift from my best friends in college when I left for graduate school.
A special pendant from my best friends in college.  All four of us had one.
I lost a 24K ring that my fieldwork hostess gave me.
It was a small ring.  But it was a special gift that she had picked out from her stash.
It was mixed in with a whole bunch of other rings, most of which were custom jewelry.
The person actually took the time to pick that one out from the bunch.
Just thinking about the person taking the time to pick out stuff really angers me.
I also lost a pair of brass handcuffs from my best friend in graduate school.
She brought them back from AZ where she went for a conference.
She also gave me a ceramic pin made by a local artist in HP.
These pieces were in their original box.
Mom's sister gave me a gold plated leaf, with a gold chain.
DH's sister gave me a murano glass beads necklace from Italy.
His aunt gave me a strand of necklace with pearls and in a nice mirrored and lacquered brown box.
My graduate school roommate gave me a lacquered jewelry box from SK inlaid with mother of pearl.
A 24K horse pendant for oldest son from my college best friends was also taken.
The first strand of pearl necklace, from Carol Lee, that I bought for myself is no longer mine.
An imitation "beanzu" Tiffany necklace that I bought when I was in Japan.
A rectangular brown hair clip from Aunt Celine that was made in France.
Plus numerous other pearl necklaces that mom gave me.

Each piece had a story.
Each held a connection to a person (or persons) to a special time or a place in my life.
Now they are all gone.
It's hard not to feel angry at the person who did this.
And that is to put it very mildly.
If I could use stronger words, I would.

As for the police, it was a total disappointment.
They probably take this as everyday stuff.
At least no one was injured.
So they probably don't think much of it.
The evidence technician didn't show up until 23 hours later.
Even though the police officers (both those who responded to the call, and those who answered our phone inquiries) promised that he will show up the day of burglary.
He never came.
At least not until 4pm, the following day.
We waited and waited, leaving the house the way we found it.
We could not clean up or do anything else because we had to preserve the site.
We took turns waiting at the door, until it was finally too late to leave the door open.
So we closed the glass door.
Then we closed the main door.
Then we decided we had to get some rest.
We finally relented, and had to admit that no officer would come at 1 am at night.
To sleep, we all huddled together on the floor.
The kids were terrified.
How can anyone do this!
Will they do it again?
Fear life, at one's own home.



We waited another 8 days before the detective called.
Basically everything that was promised by the police turned out to be false.
The officers who responded to the call, and even the evidence technician had said that we can show pictures to the detective when he comes.
We were told that the pawn shops are required by law to post pictures of objects pawned.
That because mom's items are unique, there was a greater chance of recovering them.
Now the detective, whom we didn't see and only heard on the phone, said it is not going to happen.
The pawn shops do not supply the pictures, even though they are required to.
The person probably shipped the items to other places, so online search will not produce much result.
But we could still try, he suggested.
Is this person for real?
We are given the responsibility to track down our lost items?
What then are the police for?
Does he need to show anymore effort?
Impressive.  Not.

He is smart to have waited eight days to call.
By now feelings have somewhat dulled, and expectation lowered.
To wait day after day after day for the detective to show up, the expectation had turned from hopefulness to finding closure.
When he finally called, it was more like checking off an item on the list.
Now it's complete.  We are done.
At least he called.
How we reward ourselves.

People say "to forgive is divine."
It is almost impossible right now for me to forgive the person who did this to us.
Adding insult to injury is the police's non-response and complacency.
We are left on our own.
With nothing left to help us.
I _______ that person.

Lord help me because right now I am full of rage and cannot forgive.

I Just Wish It Isn't So

(originally posted June 19, 2014)

Parents are visiting us in a few days.

I asked mom to get me something.
She told me over the phone that she has bought a lot.
Then I told her it is for the in-laws.
She then became reluctant.
I didn't even ask for a lot.
It's just a nice gesture, since they will be here.

Why does it have to be so difficult.
To people she likes, she gives freely, and most times in abundance.
Others, it is done with drudgery, and I have to hear about it non-stop.
The cost, compared to what she gives to others, is minimal.
Yet she never makes the process easy.
I will always hear about how much she doesn't want to give,
how they don't deserve it,
what they have done in the past,
how she has to remember this deed or that deed in order to push herself,
but she does it, because I asked.

There has been situations similar to this one.
No matter how I or we complain about it, it is no use.
She always wants to put it in our face.
She never just says, okay.  Done.
It is always about her, what she wants and don't want.
What she likes and don't like.

Actually my in-laws don't care about gifts.
They would rather not receive anything.
To them it's too much giving.
They don't want to worry about reciprocating.
They don't need these things.

So maybe I should just drop it.
Why give her this advantage point where she plays it up.

I just feel sorry.
That she has to act this way.
With so little love.
And gives us so much pain.

I Sometimes Feel Like A Fraud

(originally posted June 11, 2014)

I know that sounds ungrateful.

I have an advanced degree, and I am trained to do various things.
But I am not utilizing my training, nor my education.
So the feeling is so what if I have a degree;
So what if I graduated from one of the top universities in the country.
Because when it comes down to it,
People ask what is it that I am CURRENTLY doing.
And what I am currently doing (really just helping out at my kids'  school on weekends) isn't all that glamorous.
It does not bring on any kind of accolade,
nor credibility because anyone without similar background can do it.
If at least I can get a good paying job, then I'd feel better about myself.
At least I'd feel I'm worth something, and that I'm contributing.

Right now I have a reason to stay at home.
And I'm not saying anything negative about staying-at-home parents.
What I am confronting with is the real question of self-worth that I believe all of us, staying home or not, confronts from time to time.
I am sure the specter of the question pops up even if one has a great job:  is this a good job, a career, am I doing good enough, am I significant, am I somebody?

Part of my frustration stems from the fact that I spent years pursuing a degree that I no longer like.
Perhaps I never had the brains nor the discipline to fulfill what's required of an academic career.
This leaves me with, now what.

I know being with my kids is very important.
It is especially so at this time of their lives.
I also know what I am doing at the kids' school is important.
I get feedback from kids and parents about how much they've learned from me.
But on occasions like today (or recently), these things don't translate back to me in full scale of what I needed to hear:  that I am important, that I am contributing to this family and to society.

Again, I know this is just me-centered talking.
The First Day of the Heidelberg Catechism states that the only comfort in life and in death is the Lord Himself.
It is not a job, not a career, not money, not wealth, not status, not fame, not anything else, but God.
The Purpose Driven Life, which I have been re-reading recently, also reminded us that we are made for His Purpose.

Yet I really don't know what is the purpose for me.
Perhaps I've got the question all wrong.
Because it shouldn't be about me, what I like, what I want to do.
Rather, it is about finding what He likes me to do, and doing it. 

Please! No Scraps!

(originally April 15, 2014)

So, many weeks ago I was planning for Spring Break.
I then got an email from SI, asking if she could visit that weekend.
I said if it's the weekend, no problem.
Even if we were to go away, we would've been back before the weekend.
Then a month (?) before Spring Break, I was notified she is coming on a Wednesday.
Whaaat?  Didn't she ask about the weekend?
Then she gave me the impression that she will stay with us when she lands.
Husb has also been a little busy at work, and couldn't take days off.
So from what could have been a week-long vacation plan was shortened to a two day break, to finally ending with all of us taking a stay-in-town-vacation.
Wonderful.
Then I was notified that SI won't be staying with us on Wednesday bc EH was having something at her school, and SI wants to be there to see it.
That's why she scheduled to come on Wednesday, I presume, even though she asked for the weekend.
She tried to make it sound nice and all by saying she wants to see WJ in gymnastics, and watch a movie with the kids.
This is not the first time it happened.
When she said she was coming for WR's bday, I was totally taken by surprise.
The surprise faded when I heard about the recital that EH and MH originally planned on attending.
The exact weekend.
No wonder.
Sigh.
I know she is trying, but it sure doesn't feel too great to be always given what's left of her time and energy.  It seems like MH and EH have preferential treatment all the time.  They are always first on the list.
I know what I'm saying is a little harsh, and I am sorry for saying that.
It's just that sometime I do wonder which one is better, to try 40% or not to try at all?  Maybe the expectation will be much lower if she doesn't even bother to try?  At least then we would not be so downtrodden' then we wouldn't have the heart to feel sorry for ourselves.

Anyway, when SI said last night that she won't come until Thursdayd morning, I got mad.
Really, really upset.
I told her previously we are here both Wednesday and Thursday, and she chose the latter instead.
Then she had the gall of asking about WJ's class and movie.
I was so upset, and in my head I had all these curt, terse one-lines that I want to inflict upon them.
"Oh, take your time.  What's the hurry?"
I really do not care to see any of them.
I wanted to tell husb that he should take the day off bc I cannot face them coming.

Was I wrong to be upset?
I felt like we were given scraps and leftovers.
We get it only when they are done.
It's always about what the other side wanted, required, and demanded.
We, on the other hand, deserve nothing.
I was thinking along these lines and came up with the heading.
Like, "no more scraps, please!" or "we don't want your leftover," etc.


Then it was one thing after another this morning.
I felt dizzy and couldn't get up.
Then I heard a loud crash.  WY broke my lamp.  This is after I told him for the nth time not to play with the cushions and not to run around at home.
Then I came downstairs and saw husband's text request for prayer.
Then it was my sister's prayer request.
Then WJ bumped herself bad against the shower glass.
It was becoming a real bad day.
Those things made me pause.
Was I doing something wrong?

Then I read about the prophetic message that a Pastor W had for my sister.
He recounted the things that she did that made the Lord pleased (like singing and talking to Him in the car, like seeking His face all the time).
I then wondered if I were to go to a session like that, what would the Pastor see?
Me and my anger issues?
Do I spend enough time with Him?  Do I seek Him in my heart?


So I relented.
There are more important things in life.
I emailed back, and try to be as nice as I could.
No snarl remarks, nor side jabs.
Just telling them what my plans are, and letting it be.


and letting it go.

It's Okay. We All Need A Little Space.

(originally posted April 11, 2014)

For a while now T has been calling his friend, and sometimes spending hours on the phone.  Sometimes that gets to me.  I mean, shouldn't I be the one he turns to?  But tonight it suddenly dawned on me why the phone calls are important to him, and why I should let it go.

We had a lengthy, if not somewhat heated, discussion tonight over what we would like to see at home.  Part of the reason everything went high-octane was because of stress.  My work load increased, and T's work has been highly stressful since he's been at the job.  Both of us are tapped out on time, and sometimes we are emotionally drained.  Yet we still need to keep the household going.  On normal days, when it's just one of us feeling the stress, the other person would provide comfort and consolation.  On off days, like tonight, when both of us were low in our love bank, neither one was in a position to give, let alone help the other person.  Actually, we each probably made it worse for the other person.  I see now how in these moments friends can be the rescue.

Or, what I would have done in the past when I felt the reality of the world cave in on me was to turn to my TV shows (k-drama or j-drama), and immerse myself in the make-believe world where there is a semblance of order, where nice people eventually triumphs, and handsome guys save the day.  For me it may not be talking to friends when I have those moments as it is for T, but we are all looking for ways to restore the equilibrium, so that we can put ourselves back in working order again.  We may not know why we choose to do something, but I think it has to do with our desire to recoup and recollect ourselves.  We want to go where it's safe to get a little encouragement so that we can go back to life again.

It can be dangerous, of course, if we don't know how to restrain ourselves, as when the extra help becomes a crutch, or worse yet, turns into an obsession.  For me, God showed me, in crisis situations, the characters on whom I project so much of my hopes and dreams really cannot help me when I needed help.  Of course I know the characters are fictional, but through them I envision a world of hope, and that is where I draw my strength.  It is futile, now I know.  I had to learn to refocus on God's words.

That realization probably deserves another post.  But the point here is that tonight I realized talking to friends is the mechanism that T uses to get himself back in the game.  He's relational in that way.  I also realized that, as much as I'd like to think, I am not always there 100% for him.  I am not as giving or loving as I would like to imagine myself to be.

So...  I probably need to change a little bit, and respond a little better.  He deserves a little more respect.  Hmm...  Work in progress.

I Know Now

(originally posted March 11, 2014)

Our small group is studying CS Lewis' Four Loves.  It is a great book.  Very well written.  A little gem that is filled with wisdom.  For our March meeting, hubs couldn't make it because he had to work.  He usually has a lot to say, and brings a lot to the discussion.  So in his absence, I noticed something about myself.

Don't take me wrong.  I shared a lot during the discussion.  But I am so much more interested in sharing what I gleaned from the chapters, and what I remembered than anything else.  I have a lot data, and I have very good retention.  But I'm less concerned about about how the chapters might point to some real challenges in the world around me, or how it might have failed to reflect about circumstances in the world.  It is not that I don't process what Lewis said.  Obviously I have to know what he said in order to know where I think are the major points and his contributions.  I think my problem is that I am content, if not happy with just going about with info.  I am content in knowing that I know the stuff, and I rest my case with that.  I don't want to raise questions that might rock the boat.  Or, other times I don't have questions that will make a person ponder.  I am content with just recounting the material, and with simple, straight forward application.

This was also the problem that I had with my dissertation.  While I also made an argument, many times I lost myself in the description because I was so thrilled by what I found.  Simply having the knowledge of information is sometimes so satisfying to me.  Sometimes I think information alone is enough.  I need not do anything else.  I fail to show people the connection, or the why.  Other times I simply lack the inquisitiveness to probe, and that can be very problematic.  I don't challenge people enough; I don't challenge myself enough.

I'm So Bummed. In other words, my unhappy Craigslist moments

(originally posted March 4, 2014)

I've been looking at Craigslist for a while now.  I'm not looking for anything in particular.  Just checking in to see what's going on in the world of craigslist.

For one thing, I thought it's ludicrous that just because a piece of furniture is labeled "mid century," it commands a high price tag.  I mean, really!  MCM is everywhere on CL!  But do people really take that label at face value and buy?  I especially dislike people who say they are selling as "owners" when it's obvious that they own some kind of warehouse, or shop that holds all the items they are selling.  I'd rather they stay in the "business" side and not jack up the prices for the rest of the market.

But I'm not here to talk about MCM furniture.  I'm here whining about my losses.

Already I've "lost" an old campaign style dresser.  Sure, it needed lots of TLC, and from the picture I wasn't quite sure if it was a true campaign dresser.  But someone bought it pretty fast, right?  That means that someone was looking, like me, and spotted the dresser the same time that I did.  Only difference was that I hesitated, and failed to go in for the kill, so to speak, and consequently, lost my opportunity.  It's always like that.  I always know it one minute too late.  I'm always after the fact.  I hesitated because I wasn't sure if it was the real deal; I didn't want to spend $40.00 for something that we may not need or use.  I had hoped maybe the seller would go down in price if I waited, and then I'd feel I have a better chance justifying my purchase.  While all these thoughts played out in my mind, I had lost the dresser forever.  I hated myself for that.

I stopped browsing CL for a while after that.  It was a very short hiatus.  When I picked up again, I found a pair of ginger jar lamps for ten bucks.  The pictures looked good.  After seeing how other people redid those lamps on blogs and pinterest, and remembering how I had previously "lost" the dresser, I quickly made an offer.  I asked hubs to pick them up.  Then I fretted.  What if it was a scam.  The seller wasn't in the best of neighborhoods. What if hubs gets robbed, etc.  He came home with two nice looking ginger jar lamps.  Phew.  They were in great condition.   The only thing was they were bigger than they had seen the picture.  I had asked for more information, but the seller preferred the phone, so in the process of getting his address, some of the questions got shuffled.  I do not dislike the purchase.  But it wasn't exactly what I had expected... and hence not helping me to be more assertive in my future purchases.

Then I saw a pair of tables for 50.  The seller advertised them for their storage capacity and said the tables were made of real wood.  I liked the lattice pattern on the side, and imagined painting them, and leaving the inside empty to create a silhouette not unlike this inspirational photo.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/29132728813819192/
It was a really good price for a pair of real wood tables.  So why did I wait, I asked myself time and time again.  Why did I not jump at the chance to make an offer?  Why can't I just get them first and think later of where to put them, and what color to paint them?  Why was I worried about the weight of the tables, whether hubs can transport them, and the location of the seller (that looked somewhat fishy)?  I checked the posting for a day or two, until it was no more.  When I couldn't find the posting, I gasped.  It cannot be.  I really agonized over this loss.  The tables were supposed to wait for me.  I already have a place for one of the pair, and I know the dark color I wanted it.  How can it not be there for me?  I need to have those tables!!  Believe me, I was in pain.

As I was recovering from this loss, I browsed through CL again, and saw a hallway table that could be used for my study.  It needed a little fix up, but it had really nice bones.  For 20 bucks, it was totally worth it.  But I didn't even copy the link, and when I went back to it, it was gone.  What was I thinking?  Really!  What was I thinking?!  Why did I stop myself from getting these things when I know I liked them?

Why can't I just take the leap, and just bring them home?  (This part I haven't figured it out.  Perhaps deep down inside I have doubts about making these purchases?  I don't really know.)

The worse part is the anger that follows when I realize I've lost an item.  I'd then keep on thinking how the "lost" piece would do wonders to my home decoration, and how it would complete the look of my house.  I would get upset, as if somehow people have wronged me, and I would be nasty to everyone around me.  I am not exaggerating.  I was angry all night tonight because I had yet missed another deal.  This is what Craigslist does to me.

So I asked myself why?  I think it fuels a desire, that of getting a better decorated house at great bargains.  Looking at all the items on CL I imagined as opportunities, and opportunities lost when I didn't get them.  I don't think CL is the driving source for this greed; there are all those DIY blogs, pinterest that feed the need, so much so that when I don't get the deals, I feel as if the world has failed me.  I feel I am entitled to make my house beautiful, and that I deserve having those things, and that I should get things at cheaper, if not cheapest, prices.

That is not the reason we have Craigslist, at least I don't think it is.  I believe it is set up as a forum for people to buy/sell things they want/no longer.  It is not supposed to help me to be greedy, or to feed my sense of entitlement.  Unfortunately, I have usurped its more lofty goals.  Ah.  My own vice.

Tomorrow is Lent.  People are asking what to give up.  Perhaps I should take a break from websites like pinterest for 40 days?  I need to stop coveting what my "neighbors" have, and put a pause on greed?

Hard to See Our Kids Suffer

(originally posted February 28, 2014)

Went to Y's history fair at school.
Made sure I dressed up nicely because things have been strained at school between Y and his friends.
I think it has to do with the incident that occurred at house at the beginning of the school year.
When a few of the kids made fun of a passerby because of his race.
The person was so offended that he came by the house.
I was appalled and spoke to the kids, and made hubs do it, too.
We made sure they told their parents.
Some of the kids still made snarky comments.
One said that his mom does not care about these things.
No.  Because they've never been the subject of one.
From then on the kids seemed to have distanced away from Y.
He was no longer invited to their houses, or to hang out.

It probably was us.
But I just can't live with myself if I just let it pass.

So I went to the history fair.
Y sat at a table next to two other classmates.
He was doing nothing, just being alone.
Across from him were the group of kids who used to come to our house.
Kids he used to hang out with.
Many of these now belong to the other class.
Even so, it just felt like he was far away from friends.

So of course I felt sad.
I tried to be very friendly to people.
His friends talked to me, which was nice.
They explained their project, which they did together.
I walked around the room and talked to other kids.
It's hard to see your kid suffer and not to feel you suffer, too.
Yet how do I console him?
I am the same way, too.
It's not like I know any adult parents myself.

I happened to revisit my blog and saw my entry about 10 months ago.
The same topic.
Sigh.

They Want to Do Their Thing

(originally posted January 10, 2014)

My oldest told me that his friends don't go shopping with their parents anymore.
What kind of shopping, I asked.
Any kind of shopping, like doing groceries, or anything, he said.
Why not, I asked.
Because they want to stay at home, and do their own thing, he said.

I see.
(Our family do a lot of things together.
Many times when we shop for groceries, or anything for that matter, we go together.
It's not the popular thing to do, I know.)

I told him recently I met up with a group of girlfriends, about 15 of them.
We went around the room asking each person where they want to go in the world, and whether they would bring their kid(s).
Myself and another mom were the only two persons in the room who wanted to bring kids.

Husband then joined the conversation, and asked the kid how would he like if we go off to a nice Japanese restaurant and leave him with someone else?
What would we eat, now it's two kids asking.
Hot dogs, and pizza, we said.
We will be hungry, they said.
Not if we give you a lot, we said.
How would you like it if we leave you at home, we asked?

How would you like it, if we wanted to do our thing?

It is really about being mutual; a give and a take.
So many of my friends want to have alone time with the husband, and schedule for date nights.
They prefer to do things without the kids.
They also want to do their own thing.

Having our own time and having own space are mainstream now.
It is everywhere in couples, and family health books, etc.  This is the popular thing to do.

We want our own time, and then the kids want their own time.

How can we, or anyone then complain about the growing distance that separates families?

It started somewhere.

The same message also applies to my kids.

If they want their own time, then shall we do the same?

We told our kid that we don't want that.
If we are enjoying a good meal, a good time, (or even a bad time),
We want them around.
We like having them around.
We can enjoy life and each other with them around.
These things are not mutually exclusive.

I hope they will feel the same about us.

When Will It End

(originally posted on December 29, 2013)

When will it end,
racism, that is.
Day after day after day.
One is judged because of what s/he looks on the outside,
rather than what's on the inside,
rather than what s/he does.
We saw the Linsanity DVD that was part of the Kickstarter challenge.
You'd think after all that Jeremy Lin has done,
from junior high, to high school, to Harvard,
to the Summer League, to the NBA,
to the Knicks and now to the Rockets,
he's proven himself.
So that people would stop questioning his abilities.
But the haters are still there,
doing their chanting, posting every single day.
When will it end?

Heard from my kid that classmates at school are making racial gestures.
His teacher is not at all helpful.
The teacher's significant other is actually a biracial kid.
You'd think that the exposure will allow the person to be more compassionate, and to be more understanding, but no.
Actually it actually produces the opposite effect, and to a fault.
Perhaps there is the fear that if s/he shows any sign of kindness to the minority, s/he will be forever aligned with other race, and thereby deemed inferior, weak, lose his/her entitlement as a dominant race?
Who know.  All that we see is that s/he goes out of his/her way to be unkind.
Exposure certainly does not necessarily brood sensitivity or understanding.
Neither does educational status (look at the number of people at Harvard shouting racial slurs).
It is a sad, sad world.
One that is hard to deal with
for me.
Growing up who knew life would be this difficult.
Or it would be filled with these unsurmountable obstacles.
One works hard to get through school, get through work,
and at the end it's people that you cannot get through.
When I was younger I thought things will get better.
Things will turn around.
All we needed to do was wait.
Optimism was always in the air.
Perhaps those were signs of our younger years?
Now?
When I see how deep people are set in their ways.
how unlike they are to change,
it takes a lot to keep on believing.
It takes a lot not to want to give up.
I know everything is in God's hands,
including the fact that this is an imperfect world,
and we are all imperfect.
I probably have many blind spots that I don't see of myself.
Points that warrant others to complain about.
Yet it is really just to say it is hard to keep up,
with all the menace and hatred in this world.
I am coming in to a world like this,
and I have to see my kids coming into a world like this.
Not a pretty scene.
Disenchanted, and disillusioned.
Sometimes even with God.
Because I don't want the world to be this way.
I wish it was nicer, things were better, people were warmer and friendlier.
Then I don't have to worry about those things, and can spend my time enjoying the pretty things.
But it's not about my enjoyment, I know.
I just wish it wasn't so bleak.
I do thank God that He's here.
Otherwise I wouldn't even know the meaning behind it all.
At least He promises us His presence.

Do Unto Others What You Want to be Done Unto You

(originally posted on December 7, 2013)

This is the mantra I live by.
Jesus' teaching.
But apparently just because I want to do it,
it doesn't mean that it will be reciprocated.

Today during recess, one of the parents made some lengthy remark about me to another parent that was loud enough for me to hear.
The issue at hand was a favor that she asked me to help her kid with.
Rather than thanking me for doing her/them a favor, she complained.
Actually I won't take it personally if she didn't like what I had to offer.
But I expected more of her.
At least have the decency and respect for me to come talk to me if she had issues.
I didn't say she had to follow what I said.
I gave her a suggestion and said "how about this..."?
Certainly I wasn't cutting off communication.

This is not the first time she blew up, just a different expression of it.
She has ups and downs.
When things are good, they don't last.
Something will bound to happen.
So I guess I should say I wasn't so surprised.
It's so unfortunate though.
Because I don't want to stereotype people.
But if there is repeated pattern of behavior, what is one to expect?

The question then becomes what should I do?
Because it was something I did for her/them, and not for the class,
I felt assured at least it's not about my teaching.
I need to lay down some ground rules about how we are to treat each other in class.
This pertains not only to the kids, but also to their parents.
I don't like to do this.
Yet I need to be strong about it.
Because for people who uses emotion to control others, people who manipulates with outbursts of anger,
the best way is to avoid them.
It is not dodging the issue.
It is knowing what is the ultimate goal.
Will she change because I speak to her and ask her not to do what she did?
Very unlikely.
So the point is to set up some parameters for all of us to know, so that all of us can work with.
Setting up boundaries is the best thing I can do.
And much prayers!  Gulp.