(originally posted June 11, 2014)
I know that sounds ungrateful.
I have an advanced degree, and I am trained to do various things.
But I am not utilizing my training, nor my education.
So the feeling is so what if I have a degree;
So what if I graduated from one of the top universities in the country.
Because when it comes down to it,
People ask what is it that I am CURRENTLY doing.
And what I am currently doing (really just helping out at my kids' school on weekends) isn't all that glamorous.
It does not bring on any kind of accolade,
nor credibility because anyone without similar background can do it.
If at least I can get a good paying job, then I'd feel better about myself.
At least I'd feel I'm worth something, and that I'm contributing.
Right now I have a reason to stay at home.
And I'm not saying anything negative about staying-at-home parents.
What I am confronting with is the real question of self-worth that I believe all of us, staying home or not, confronts from time to time.
I am sure the specter of the question pops up even if one has a great job: is this a good job, a career, am I doing good enough, am I significant, am I somebody?
Part of my frustration stems from the fact that I spent years pursuing a degree that I no longer like.
Perhaps I never had the brains nor the discipline to fulfill what's required of an academic career.
This leaves me with, now what.
I know being with my kids is very important.
It is especially so at this time of their lives.
I also know what I am doing at the kids' school is important.
I get feedback from kids and parents about how much they've learned from me.
But on occasions like today (or recently), these things don't translate back to me in full scale of what I needed to hear: that I am important, that I am contributing to this family and to society.
Again, I know this is just me-centered talking.
The First Day of the Heidelberg Catechism states that the only comfort in life and in death is the Lord Himself.
It is not a job, not a career, not money, not wealth, not status, not fame, not anything else, but God.
The Purpose Driven Life, which I have been re-reading recently, also reminded us that we are made for His Purpose.
Yet I really don't know what is the purpose for me.
Perhaps I've got the question all wrong.
Because it shouldn't be about me, what I like, what I want to do.
Rather, it is about finding what He likes me to do, and doing it.
But I am not utilizing my training, nor my education.
So the feeling is so what if I have a degree;
So what if I graduated from one of the top universities in the country.
Because when it comes down to it,
People ask what is it that I am CURRENTLY doing.
And what I am currently doing (really just helping out at my kids' school on weekends) isn't all that glamorous.
It does not bring on any kind of accolade,
nor credibility because anyone without similar background can do it.
If at least I can get a good paying job, then I'd feel better about myself.
At least I'd feel I'm worth something, and that I'm contributing.
Right now I have a reason to stay at home.
And I'm not saying anything negative about staying-at-home parents.
What I am confronting with is the real question of self-worth that I believe all of us, staying home or not, confronts from time to time.
I am sure the specter of the question pops up even if one has a great job: is this a good job, a career, am I doing good enough, am I significant, am I somebody?
Part of my frustration stems from the fact that I spent years pursuing a degree that I no longer like.
Perhaps I never had the brains nor the discipline to fulfill what's required of an academic career.
This leaves me with, now what.
I know being with my kids is very important.
It is especially so at this time of their lives.
I also know what I am doing at the kids' school is important.
I get feedback from kids and parents about how much they've learned from me.
But on occasions like today (or recently), these things don't translate back to me in full scale of what I needed to hear: that I am important, that I am contributing to this family and to society.
Again, I know this is just me-centered talking.
The First Day of the Heidelberg Catechism states that the only comfort in life and in death is the Lord Himself.
It is not a job, not a career, not money, not wealth, not status, not fame, not anything else, but God.
The Purpose Driven Life, which I have been re-reading recently, also reminded us that we are made for His Purpose.
Yet I really don't know what is the purpose for me.
Perhaps I've got the question all wrong.
Because it shouldn't be about me, what I like, what I want to do.
Rather, it is about finding what He likes me to do, and doing it.
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