It's Okay. We All Need A Little Space.

(originally posted April 11, 2014)

For a while now T has been calling his friend, and sometimes spending hours on the phone.  Sometimes that gets to me.  I mean, shouldn't I be the one he turns to?  But tonight it suddenly dawned on me why the phone calls are important to him, and why I should let it go.

We had a lengthy, if not somewhat heated, discussion tonight over what we would like to see at home.  Part of the reason everything went high-octane was because of stress.  My work load increased, and T's work has been highly stressful since he's been at the job.  Both of us are tapped out on time, and sometimes we are emotionally drained.  Yet we still need to keep the household going.  On normal days, when it's just one of us feeling the stress, the other person would provide comfort and consolation.  On off days, like tonight, when both of us were low in our love bank, neither one was in a position to give, let alone help the other person.  Actually, we each probably made it worse for the other person.  I see now how in these moments friends can be the rescue.

Or, what I would have done in the past when I felt the reality of the world cave in on me was to turn to my TV shows (k-drama or j-drama), and immerse myself in the make-believe world where there is a semblance of order, where nice people eventually triumphs, and handsome guys save the day.  For me it may not be talking to friends when I have those moments as it is for T, but we are all looking for ways to restore the equilibrium, so that we can put ourselves back in working order again.  We may not know why we choose to do something, but I think it has to do with our desire to recoup and recollect ourselves.  We want to go where it's safe to get a little encouragement so that we can go back to life again.

It can be dangerous, of course, if we don't know how to restrain ourselves, as when the extra help becomes a crutch, or worse yet, turns into an obsession.  For me, God showed me, in crisis situations, the characters on whom I project so much of my hopes and dreams really cannot help me when I needed help.  Of course I know the characters are fictional, but through them I envision a world of hope, and that is where I draw my strength.  It is futile, now I know.  I had to learn to refocus on God's words.

That realization probably deserves another post.  But the point here is that tonight I realized talking to friends is the mechanism that T uses to get himself back in the game.  He's relational in that way.  I also realized that, as much as I'd like to think, I am not always there 100% for him.  I am not as giving or loving as I would like to imagine myself to be.

So...  I probably need to change a little bit, and respond a little better.  He deserves a little more respect.  Hmm...  Work in progress.